God's plan in my divorce

Here I sit 8 years later with people constantly asking me how I do it…How do you talk to him all the time? How do you let him sit down to dinner with you? How do you treat him nicely? How do forgive him? How do you move to Atlanta with him? How do you have kids that are so well adjusted? How????????????? The answer is obviously God but just saying that really isn’t going to help anybody. The day my husband said he wanted a divorce God did not automatically take away the pain, in fact the day those dreadful words were actually spoken God wasn’t even part of my life. Yeah, I knew there was a God (12 years of Catholic school taught me something) but that was not where I went for answers, comfort, wisdom, strength or, for that matter, anything. But that day (May 27, 2000) I came to the end of myself.
Before the day my husband said he wanted a divorce, I looked to me to find the answers, fix my problems and go my merry way. But something happened to me that day….I was all out of answers, I had found myself in a place of total emptiness. Oh, sure I could drink, smoke, cry my eyes out and whine to my friends -- and I did quite often--but there was no relief in sight for the pain and anguish that follow those fateful words “I want a divorce.”
How did God come into the picture? In a crazy, unforeseen only God can do it sort of way…. That night after my husband said he wanted a divorce I was lying in bed watching him sleep crying my eyes out when I decided to go get a pack of cigarettes (as if that would solve anything?). I got dress and went to the nearest convenience store for a diet coke and a pack of cigarettes. With my problem solvers in hand, I drove to the levee lit a cigarette and called my sister on her cell phone ( it was around 2am--thanks Donna!). Why I called Donna, I’m not quite sure but something in me told me to call her. I remember my words--“Donna, Trey wants a ddddiivvvoorrrce!” And you know what my sister said to me? “Are you ready?” For some crazy reason (we had never discusses this before) I knew what she was talking about and I said “yes” and right there on the Lake Ponchartrain levee at 2am on May 27, 2000 I let God into my life as more than the creator of the universe but as my Father in heaven who loves me and has a plan for me. That night God began a work in me that he is being faithful to complete.
No, I did not wake up the next morning in spiritual bliss. In fact, may 28th was harder than May 27th because the reality of the situation hit me when I was awaken by the sound of my 1 ½ year old crying and the thought of him and his 3 year old brother coming from a broken home was more than I could stand. As I sit here and write about that day the pain of that reality still brings a tear to my eye. No mother or father wants that for their child. "How could he do this????” was all that kept going through my mind. I picked up the Bible my sister had given my youngest at his baptism and begin to read. For the first time in my life the words had meaning and I found a strange familiar comfort--it was a beginning--- but not a miracle cure for my pain.

In the beginning continued

Last night I went out with a recently separate friend. Although she had been married 23 years and I was only married 5, there were several similarities that I believe happen in most divorces. First, she knew the marriage was in trouble but was not willing to let go. Her husband, on the other hand, picked her up from the airport after a business trip and said "I've moved out, I want a divorce and here how it is going to go..." Usually one party is clueless that the marriage is at that point. I knew my ex and I were having issues, but I assumed all couples have issues and we'd ride it out. Yet, after two counseling sessions and what I thought was minor problems, my ex woke up one morning turned to me and said, "I want a divorce." Why is it that usually one party (male or female I'm not a man basher!) is in the dark about how the other person feels. Is it that the party wanting out is good at hiding it or is it that the person wanting to stay married ignores all the warning signs? I know in my case that I didn't want to see it. We were only married four years and had two small children when things turned south. I knew he didn't treat me the way I thought a man in love would treat his wife and the mother of his two beautiful boys but to really look at the fact that the man I was dependent on emotionally and financially was not in love with me was more than I could handle at the time. I kept my blinders on and bought a copy of the Karma Sutra thinking that would solve our issues. It did make our sex life more interesting but apparently that was not enough.

The other issue that is common in divorces is the demonizing of the spouse by the party wanting out. What do I mean by demonizing? I mean that the party wanting out finds fault with EVERYTHING the other spouse does. In my particular case I was either too fat or too skinny (on any given day it could be either and my weight rarely fluctuated), I was "too much of a mother and not enough of a wife," the house was either dirty or I spent too much time cleaning, I was just like my mother or I would hear "I bet your mother would be grateful to have a housekeeper" and the list goes on and on. Demonetization is so destructive. By the time my ex actually left I was a shell of the woman I was the day I married him (of course he would now complain that I was weak and emotional). I believe that the party wanting to leave does this to justify their actions "see, how can I stay with him he is so _____" I wish my ex would have just said the truth--I am not enjoying this marriage and I want out--instead of tearing me down for over a year. It would have been a lot easier to recover from that than having to rebuild my self esteem and emotional strength.

In the beginning

As I look back now the signs were all there.....he spent less and less time at home, everything I did was wrong (that is call demonizing the victim--more on that at a later date), he started to care about working out and his clothing "style" and the dreaded "let's go see a therapist --not that our marriage is in trouble but so we can communicate better" (read--"I want to be able to say we tried everything, we even saw a therapist!"). It is not that marriage therapy is a bad thing, it can be helpful if two (very important number) people both want to save the marriage. But it has been my experience that usually the one who wants out is just looking at the therapy as something he/she can check off the list of "I've tried everything." If your spouse wants to go to therapy, by all means go, but realize he/she might not really want any help to stay in but just an excuse to get out. Use the therapy to help you. You should listen attentively to what your spouse is saying and have the guts to call them on their inaccuracies. At the time of my divorce I was so weak that I believed everything he said--even if I knew in my heart it wasn't true. For example: my spouse told the therapist I was "too much of a mother and not enough of a wife." I believed this even though I knew we went out more as a couple than any of our friends, our sex life was better now than before kids and it was hard to be a wife when your husband was out at bars with other people! I never called him on his perceived truth and that was a mistake. Had I been able to verbalize my truth, the therapist might have had something to work with and, at the very least, I would have left the marriage empowered with truth instead of beaten down by lies.

light at the end of the Tunnel

This blog is for all of the women and men out there who are going through a divorce and feel that they are in a dark tunnel and can't find any light. My desire is to instill hope, courage and practical advice and one day soon-- you will see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.