In the beginning continued

Last night I went out with a recently separate friend. Although she had been married 23 years and I was only married 5, there were several similarities that I believe happen in most divorces. First, she knew the marriage was in trouble but was not willing to let go. Her husband, on the other hand, picked her up from the airport after a business trip and said "I've moved out, I want a divorce and here how it is going to go..." Usually one party is clueless that the marriage is at that point. I knew my ex and I were having issues, but I assumed all couples have issues and we'd ride it out. Yet, after two counseling sessions and what I thought was minor problems, my ex woke up one morning turned to me and said, "I want a divorce." Why is it that usually one party (male or female I'm not a man basher!) is in the dark about how the other person feels. Is it that the party wanting out is good at hiding it or is it that the person wanting to stay married ignores all the warning signs? I know in my case that I didn't want to see it. We were only married four years and had two small children when things turned south. I knew he didn't treat me the way I thought a man in love would treat his wife and the mother of his two beautiful boys but to really look at the fact that the man I was dependent on emotionally and financially was not in love with me was more than I could handle at the time. I kept my blinders on and bought a copy of the Karma Sutra thinking that would solve our issues. It did make our sex life more interesting but apparently that was not enough.

The other issue that is common in divorces is the demonizing of the spouse by the party wanting out. What do I mean by demonizing? I mean that the party wanting out finds fault with EVERYTHING the other spouse does. In my particular case I was either too fat or too skinny (on any given day it could be either and my weight rarely fluctuated), I was "too much of a mother and not enough of a wife," the house was either dirty or I spent too much time cleaning, I was just like my mother or I would hear "I bet your mother would be grateful to have a housekeeper" and the list goes on and on. Demonetization is so destructive. By the time my ex actually left I was a shell of the woman I was the day I married him (of course he would now complain that I was weak and emotional). I believe that the party wanting to leave does this to justify their actions "see, how can I stay with him he is so _____" I wish my ex would have just said the truth--I am not enjoying this marriage and I want out--instead of tearing me down for over a year. It would have been a lot easier to recover from that than having to rebuild my self esteem and emotional strength.