The things we do for love

"Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nobody home, when you feel like a part of you is dying...the things we do for love.' That song keeps sounding in my ear each day as I leave the office of a company owned by my ex husband. The office where I now work. Yes, I'm working for my ex. Why would any well educated, sane woman do this? Well, other then questioning my sanity, the only other answer is love. No, not love of the ex, love of my children.

As my year of living back on the ex's dole was drawing near and I was looking for a job that would support me and leave me time to be a mom, my ex suggested that I work as an outside sales rep for his company. I shrugged it off at first (actually I thought, "when hell freezes over") but, as the prospect of finding the ideal job with the ideal pay and hours grew dim, I began to look into his offer more seriously. Twenty hours a week, guaranteed salary plus commission, outside sales...not so bad if Darth Vader didn't own the company. Could this work? The dollars and hours made sense even if the rest of it didn't so I decided to give it a try. Ironically, I am reading a book entitled Love as a way of life and it talks about the 7 essential qualities of of love; Kindness, Patience, Forgiveness, Courtesy, Humility, Generosity and Honesty. I'm guessing that Humility one is going to come in handy! On page 120 of the book it defines humility, "If you want to show true love to someone, sacrifice something of value for the sake of the relationship." Okay sons, I'm sacrificing all pride to be a mom who can pick you up from school and be there for you in the evenings. (I hope one day they appreciate this!).

This journey is going to be difficult but I am trying to look at the positives it brings instead of the negatives. On a basic level it gives me money and time, both of which I need. Hopefully, it will bring much more, experience in sales, confidence, a new way to relate with the ex,
new contacts and friendships. I like learning new things so... pray for me. Pray that I will be appreciative of what I do have, that I will be patient with the ex and with my self (the book defines patience as "allowing someone to be imperfect") and that kindness (defined in the book as "the joy of meeting someone else's needs before your own simply for the sake of the relationship") becomes my new best friend.

How often do we think about the kids?

I'm a little melancholy today; my kids are both away at camp and I miss them a lot. My older son has been gone for over two weeks with a week left to go. His little brother has been gone since Saturday and will be home in 5 days. My ex took them on a vacation in June for 3 weeks so it has been a lonely summer for me.
Usually my life with the kids is so busy I don't stop to think how wonderful they truly are. My children have been through a lot. Their dad and I divorce when they were so young (2&4). They never really knew what it was like to have a 2 parent household. They liked it when their dad remarried, my younger one would say it was nice to have a mommy and a daddy in the house (that use to make me sad). But, the same year my ex remarried, my dad died, my mom had a stroke and Katrina hit. 2005 left my kids and me a little shaken. But, like troopers they went on seeming no worse for the wear. They didn't like moving to Atlanta and leaving their friends but have adjusted to that quite nicely too. Their dad's divorce on top of the move was hard on them. But, again, they get up, smile make friends, get good grades, respect and love their family and friends. I am truly blessed to have such incredible kids. I hope I remember that next week when the chaos begins again!

Picking up the pieces

When my ex told me he and the 2nd Mrs were getting a divorce I said don't tell anything to the kids until you are sure. A week later he said he was sure. My kids loved Heidi (they thought she had went to Charlotte to visit her sick grandmother) and I knew this would hurt them to know she wasn't coming back. I asked to be there when he told them and he agreed. My ex wanted to justify his decision by saying bad things about the 2nd Mrs that I didn't think children needed to hear. I begged him to keep it light like he wanted to do when we divorced. Back then it was "mommy and daddy just can't get along" now it was "she did this and she did that," He knew that the kids would be mad at him for divorcing Heidi so he wanted to make her look as bad as possible--he was trying to gain their sympathy. His plan didn't work. First, the kids were devastated. The look on their faces broke my heart. The questions they had for their dad made me proud. "Aren't you suppose to love her no matter what" my 8 year old asked. "Dad what about forgiveness?" the 10 year old interjected. They begged him to go back to her. They begged me to"talk to him" (since when did I have any influence over him?) and, as strange as this sounds, I wish I could have convinced him to go back to her. The pain of my divorce was enough, living through this again with my kids was unbearable.

My headstronge ex left that night determined to get the 2nd Mrs. "as far away from him and the kids as possible" and left me with 2 very sad boys.
We talked about their "stepmom" a lot and we called her and let them say their goodbyes (broke my heart). The move to Atlanta made it easier for awhile but, when fall came, talk of Heidi surfaced again. She sent presents and pictures and I pictures too. She doesn't call anymore, I guess she has meet someone new. The boys don't ask about her either but, I wonder how (or if) it will affect them down the line. I pray they will remember that, for a time, someone loved them.

Working mom versus stay at home mom

Is there a winner in this battle? My generation (40 somethings today) is the first to legitimately have this choice. Before us, women worked but the glass ceiling kept us, for the most part, in traditional female careers. But us, the women who grew up with Sandra Day O'Connor as Supreme Court Justice, Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister and Sally Ride as an Astronaut, believed we could and would do anything a man could do. I have friends who are accomplished in many traditional males careers and I am proud of them. Others, including myself, choose to leave the work world and be stay- at-home moms. Both are right choices and both come with there pluses and minuses. But, as I attempt to re enter the work force, I am coming to believe that the third option might be better.

For all you 20 somethings contemplating careers, think about the flexibility the career offers. For example, I have a doctor friend who works 3 mornings a week from 5am til noon and makes great money. This is the perfect compromise for a mom. She has a lot of time to spend with her children but she also has a career and supports herself quite nicely. I know other women who, either out of financial necessity or simply a desire to stay connected to their career, have found innovative ways to continue working at least part time. Some careers are more conducive to this than others. Please consider this when choosing a career path,you may never know when that choice will become important.

The fear of job hunting at 44

So, I'm 44 and back in the job hunt. Problem is I feel that all my peers have already hunted, cooked their kill and ate it while I'm still loading my gun! In order to do the one thing I am professionally trained to do I must take another bar exam! The funny thing is I did not really like practicing law when I did it the first time. Surely there must be some other career that could use my analytical skills, public speaking ability and charming personality! I am competent on the computer but fall behind the 20 somethings in technological skills. I don't have years of formal sales experience but I have argued(and won) cases in court, convinced 17 year old boys that American Government was exciting (during my teaching days at an all boy Catholic high school) and persuaded my own sons to do their homework, go outside and play and eat their vegetables for almost 12 years--THOSE MUST COUNT FOR SOMETHING!!!!! Plus, I have negotiated more informal "sales" with my ex over the past 8 years than most salesman do in a life time. I have had to "sell" him on everything I've wanted to do AND make him think it was his idea. I could teach a seminar on that concept alone. You see I have a lot of skills but on paper I really don't fit any mold. I'm a bit perplexed on how to get my foot in the door. I feel confident that once they see me, I can sell myself. Doing it through a resume like mine is the hard part. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to grow up

I was a child of the 70s; the era of burning bras, Equal Rights Amendment and the Enjolie woman (remember her? She could "bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let him forget he's a man"). I vowed I would never depend on a man to support me. I wrote a paper in college entitled "Roles were meant to be broken" which hypothesized that if men and women shared equally in the child raising, children would suffer less trauma in childhood (no need to break away from the more dominate parent to identify with the same sex parent) resulting in a more harmonious relationship between men and women as they become adults. I went to law school thinking I would be a big powerful attorney, marry another big powerful attorney and raise our kids together (with the help of a nanny of course!). Then something happened to me after law school and a couple of years of practice. All of a sudden I wanted to be June Cleaver (or to use a 70s mom--Carol Brady!) I don't know whether it was disgust with the corporate world, hormones, or my upbringing, all I know is when my first son arrived, I could not leave him. At 31 years old my life was turned upside down by 6 lbs of flesh with big brown eyes!

Enter Trevor and exit Danielle's plan for life. I must say that everyone (including me) was surprised at how I took to motherhood. I loved being a mom and I was thrill 25 months later when Ross was born. Life as a mother of two very bright young boys was exciting in ways I never thought imaginable. My divorce when Ross was 2 did put a damper on things, but luckily I had child support and alimony that allowed me to stay home until Ross went to pre-K. Even when I did have to go back to work, I was fortunate that my ex paid 100% of the boys expenses so I was able to take a job teaching. I taught for 5 years and it was perfect while the boys still needed a lot of my attention. When we moved to Atlanta, I made a deal with the ex to resume alimony for a year so I could get everyone adjusted. Well, the year is up and it is time for Danielle to go back into the jungle and she is scared! Tomorrow I will write about those fears.

Weddings (not mine)

I went to a wedding this weekend. A friend of mine (2nd wedding for her) married a man 50+ who has never been married! They are both very nice people and I wish them well. The wedding was a lots of fun and I met some lovely people, ate some great food and dance to a great Latin band (groom is 2nd generation Cuban). So, why am I feeling so irritable today? I'm not sure if the whole idea of people pledging to love each other "as long as we both shall live" sets off a train load of funky emotions in me, or I'm just not feeling right about where I am today.

As far as the "vows" thing goes, I can't help but hear it and wonder do they REALLY understand what that means? I know that I didn't have a clue in my 20s that I wasn't going to feel romantically in love with my spouse when I was 40 or for that matter 70! My parents made it look easy and my mother never sat me down and explained that some days you wake up and choose to love your spouse because you lost "that loving feeling." I know my ex and I'm sure many other exes out there did not know that either. Whenever I date a guy now and he says his ex wife and he " just fell out of love" I say "goodbye." People who say that still don't get it. EVERY COUPLE I know has fallen out of love at some point in their marriage. The "work" in a marriage the old timers (those couples you see interviewed on their 60th wedding anniversary) talk about is the falling BACK in love! I myself have never had the opportunity to fall back in love. But, I hope that one day I will marry again and when I promise to love "all the days of my life" I will understand what I am pledging to do and I will honor that vow. I will also make sure that my next husband understands that love is not a feeling all the time but it is ALWAYS a choice. I pray that my newly married friends know this too.

As for my not feeling right, I believe that has to do with being a 44 year old single mom who put some personal ambitions on the side to raise kids. At the wedding there were many 40 something professionals and I felt out of the loop. I used to be one of those and my ego felt less than because others have gone on to rise in their profession while I was at gym rompers and soccer practice. I made a choice (I am happy with my choice to quit practicing law to raise my kids) but for a moment everything I am not flashed before my eyes and I mourned it. What I have to do now is remember what I am. AS my father always said......"should haves, would haves, could haves don't count" I have much to be thankful for so I dwell on my blessings and live in the present--for that is all any of us truly have.