The 2nd Mrs.

Her name was Heidi and she was a blonde (of course) nurse(what else!) nine years my junior (what a surprise!!!). I did not meet her for almost a year and a half after my husband left me (although I new about her from almost the beginning). I wanted to hate her but between the time I learned of her and the time I actually met her, God had performed some sort of heart surgery on me and I actually wound up liking her and we became good friends and better co parents than my ex and I.

How did I become friends with the other woman? I'll tell you what God showed me. First, it wasn't personal-- she did not know me (yes, what she did was wrong on moral grounds but it was not against me personally). My ex had the "contract" with me, it was him who breached the contract not her. Second, you reap what you sow in life. What ever consequences wife #2 was going to have to suffer, that was between her and God, not me. This was great because I could trust God to do the judging and I was free to love. Third, "do not return evil with evil but rather return evil with good--it will be like pouring burning coals on their head." This scripture helped me when I wanted vengeance and burning coals on the head sounded good to me! Later I learned that returning evil with good is so disarming the other person usually can't help but be nice. Fourth, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer! If she was going to be around my children, I wanted to keep a close eye on her and even help her to be a better step mom if asked (and she did!). Finally, I NEVER wanted to give her a reason to speak ill of me to my children (and she never did).
More on Mrs. #2 tomorrow.

My boys return from trip with dad

My boys returned from a 3 week trip with their dad last on June 20th. I thought I'd either be happy because they had a miserable time or sad because they had a great time and I wasn't part of it. Neither scenario came to fruition. I picked them (meaning my ex and my sons) at the airport Friday night and all of them were quiet. None of them wanted to share much about their three weeks in Europe and I wanted to respect their privacy so I didn't probe. I thought that the boys would spill their guts after we dropped off dad but, that was not the case. Over the last week I have heard some stories but, when asked, the boys say they had an "okay' time. I can't get upset with missing "okay" nor can I be happy that it was just "okay" so, I have accepted it. My sons spent three weeks with their father on a trip and it was "okay." And you know what? I'm okay with that. Life doesn't have to be lived in the extremes, sometimes it just is.............

sometimes it is hard..............

My kids have been on a trip with their father for 19 days! Thank God they come home tomorrow. This is the longest I have been away from them since the day they were born. The first time I had to leave them with my ex after the separation was horrible (it was only for 24 hours!). My older son was 4 and the younger one was almost 2. It felt like part of me was missing, I think I cried for 24 hours straight. Over the years it has gotten better and I have learned to appreciate my time alone. The difference between intact families and divorced families is that when you have the kids it is 100% your responsibility--no tag teaming, no additional hands, ears or feet to help out and it can be exhausting. So, I have learned to make the most out of my time alone. I can't shop with two boys in tow so, that is a dad time activity for me. I can't take a relaxing bubble bath with a kid knocking on the door so, that is a dad time activity for me. I can go to a movie, meet friends for coffee or dinner. Sometimes I even go on a date or a trip. In fact, I have taken advantage of this long trip by traveling myself and that was fantastic (of course I traveled with an incredible man who treated me like a queen!). But now that I am home and it is quiet, I feel sad. Sad that my kids went to Europe and I can't share those memories with them. I'm happy they were given the opportunity to go. I happy that their dad loves them and spent three weeks alone with them. It is a purely selfish emotion I am having right now, one of those moments when you say to yourself--it wasn't supposed to go this way. I believe no matter how evolved we become in this divorce process there will be times when we sit back an morn the loss of the memories we never got to have and today, is one of those days for me.

fast forward eight years.......................

The summer of 2000 my husband said he wanted a divorce and I thought my world had ended. Now its the summer of 2008 I just got back from a 2 week trip with a kind, sensitive, emotionally mature and available man who gets me and I'm here to tell you there is definitely life after divorce.

Most people jump into relationships to quickly after divorce. By the grace of God, advice of friends and my pathetic demeanor I was lucky enough to stay out of relationships for a good 4 years. This was such a blessing. At the time I had many pity parties over my aloneness but, once I got comfortable with it, I began to enjoy my freedom and spend my alone time figuring out me. I read self help books, I went to therapy, I prayed, and I spent time with good, caring friends (this list is not in any order of importance). Through my time alone I realized that my ex's departure was really an opportunity to get it right next time! I examined what I liked and what I didn't about my ex and our marriage. What was my part in it and what could I change so that the next time I would have a successful marriage? First, I realized I had a broken picker--I picked the wrong type of guys for me. Next, I expected the relationship to give me everything I needed. Finally, I expected the other person to change if I had a problem. So, I have spent the last couple of years focusing on fixing my picker and fixing me so I attract the type of man that works for me. Healthy people are attracted to healthy people and sick people to sick people. So, my only choice was to get healthy. If you keep picking losers, you might want to do some self examination! (No offense, I was the queen of picking jerks until I changed me. Now jerks don't find me interesting anymore!!!). The healthier I became, the less attracted I was to guys that were shallow, lazy and mean. I learned to spot a "taker" right away and steer clear of his poison. (my dad divided the world into givers and takers and he suggested I find a giver--I use to think that givers were "weak"--boy was I wrong!). Today I am proud to say my picker is healthy and working not only with men but with women friends as well. The man in y life today is a good pick for me. He is the first man in my life that I unconditionally love. I would not change a thing about him. I have know him for a year and have spent a good deal of time with him and on the phone. I can trust him with my most intimate thoughts and feelings and we can share our weaknesses as well as strengths. It is truly a mutually beneficial relationship. I never even dreamed that a relationship could be this real and this honest. What I do know is that both of us first worked on ourselves (he has been divorced 5 years) before we ever met (on a cruise ship in Alaska--go figure!). He doesn't need me to complete him and I don't need him. We just love sharing what we have with each other---it makes it that much better.

The first year goes on...............

Last time I wrote about being kept in a holding pattern by my ex. Today I would like to tell you what allowing him to have all the power did to me. Although I don't regret the past because I did what I believed was right at the time, in hindsight, allowing my ex to call all the shots kept me from healing and growing. I kept the same "dance" going with him--he had the power to come and go in my life as HE chose and I was a powerless puppy dog who sat and begged at his feet until he threw me some scraps. No wonder I turned him off, it turns me off to think of how weak I was. The moment I said, "NO MORE OF THIS TREATMENT," the healing began. Regaining your power is essential to healing. Of course, the key is that when I finally said "no more," I had reached acceptance that my marriage was over. I had said to myself that-- if this is what I have to endure to keep this person in my life, I don't want to pay that price. In essence, what I said was-- my happiness and mental health is worth more to me than you are. When you get to this point, you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

More of the first year stuff!

For almost an entire year my ex and I were separated (not legally just physically) but he would not file for divorce. At first I took it as a sign that he might come back. Although he hated my very existence when he first moved out, by month 4 of our separation he was calling and seemed very introspective. At one point, he went to Atlantis in the Bahamas and called suggesting that I come meet him (he rescinded the offer the next day). This gave me hope--and a little hope goes a long way during the first year. This hate me/love me routine went on through the summer and included several "dates," one sleepover, a family trip to Florida and even a suggestion by him that I decorate his new condo! I was so confused. I did not know how to interpret these "signs" So, I ascribed the most love to them that I could. WRONG MOVE.
What was happening was that he was using me (duh!). When the blonde would not act the way he wanted he would take me off the bench and let me pitch for awhile. Eventually, he'd put the blonde back in and bench me. This kept happening until one night he had the boys and the air conditioning at his condo went out. He called and ask if they could come sleep at the house. Of course I would not make my sons sleep in the hot condo so I said "sure." Well.....that night we wound up in the same bed and I thought we were getting back together. Our sons even came in bed with us in the morning. I was in 7th heaven. "Yeah," I thought "I get my family back." Not so fast! By 10 a.m. he was crawfishing (a Louisiana term which means to back out--crawfish walk backwards). "Well, Danielle, I'm not ready to commit to anything-- yadda, yadda, yadda." Not ready to commit to anything? Did he not already marry me, have 2 kids with me and have approximately 8 months to "date" other women while I stood by like a fool? That was almost enough to send me over the edge but not quite. What was the proverbial straw happened about one month later when he suggested that "we" decorate his brand new condo together. "It would be something fun we could do together" he suggested. "Fun?" What part of decorating my husband's bachelor pad in the French Quarter would be fun for me? Yeah, I agreed with you and told him, on no uncertain terms, "hell no!" He said I was too serious and I told him it was time to fish or cut bait ( I was scared of the answer but I could only take so much and I had reached my saturation point) Cut bait he did. Within a week of 9/11, I was finally served with my divorce papers.

The first year continued

The day I found out about the other woman................... I always wondered if some other woman was involved in my ex's desire to bolt, but I had no concrete proof. Then, one day a friend called to see how I was doing and she was acting weird. I said "what is the matter?" She said that someone we both knew had seen my ex with a blonde at the casino acting very "friendly." I went to pieces. If he was going through a mid-life crisis, I thought maybe he'd get over it and come back. But, if another woman was involved (especially a younger one) the chances of him coming back were zero.

I know.........why did I want him back if was seeing someone else or treating unkind? Today, eight years later, I see the error in my thinking. But this was only about 2 months after we had seperated and I had not emotionally broken the marriage bond. I was still technically married and I believed in marriage the two become one and that meant half of me was now gone. The divorce literally felt like someone was taking my heart and ripping it in two. I wanted to get rid of the pain and, at that time, I believed the only way the pain would end is if he would come back. I was wrong, but it took me several years to understand and actually feel whole all by myself.

When I got off the phone with my friend, I packed the kids up and went straight to my mothers. If I was going to have a nervous breakdown, somebody needed to watch the kids. When I got there I asked my dad to play with the kids and I took my mother back to her bedroom and I began sobbing uncontrollably. I told her what my friend had said. I was so skinny that I was cold all the time and I began shivering. My mom put a blanket around me and hugged me for awhile. Then my mother did the most incredible thing I have ever seen my mother do--she slapped me! She was worried that I was losing it so, she wacked me across the face and said "I know he hurt you Danielle but you have two little boys out there who need their mother so get it together!" WOW, that got my attention!! My mother never slapped me my entire life and here she was slapping me at 36. She was, as usual, right (if I had listen to my mother more oh what pain I would have avoided). I licked my wounds for a little while longer, washed my face and went to play with my children. Years later (story for another blog) that blonde and I became good friends and when she became ex #2, we cried together. Life is funny---if you are open to it. God has a great sense of humor, look for it!

the first year continued

Yesterday I wrote about how I used my post separation weight lost to punish my ex (joke was on me!). Today I thought I would talk about why people gain weight while going through a divorce. I've always viewed gaining weight as a way to put up a physical barrier between me and the rest of the world. Sure, people eat when they are under stress and they use food to numb themselves --I've done both. However, just as I was trying to send a message to my ex (and the rest of the world) by not eating, I believe packing on the lbs post separation is another way to send a message without using words. Perhaps the message is-- If I get fat other people will not ask me out so I won't have to worry about getting hurt again. Or maybe it is---see I don't care anymore what people think. I believe it can also be the same message as the one I was trying to convey through starving myself--look how miserable I am, you really hurt me! Whatever the message we are trying to say through our body, we need to realize the only person we are hurting is ourselves and perhaps our children who need us so desperately in times of family turmoil. I thank God my children were too young to notice that mommy looked sick (although my 4 year old would ask me not to smoke!). Our children will feed off of our emotions during divorce (I know it is added pressure but think of it as a blessing. If you did not have children you might never get out of the bed again but, you have to for them and that is the starting point to healing). So, look in the mirror today and say to yourself; "_____________ (name of ex) has taken enough from me, I am going to claim my health back today. I will eat right, I will take a walk, I will breath and most importantly I will treat myself with kindness---just for today...................

The First Year

When most people go through divorce they either gain 40 lbs or get really skinny. I can almost predict when a friend of mine is going to announce her up coming divorce by the size of her waist. Any huge weight fluctuation in a 30+ year old woman not caused by pregnancy or illness is due to divorce. From late October when my ex moved out, to Christmas I dropped 20lbs which put me at 95lbs. My clothes hung on me, I had no energy and I looked like crap. I believe I was on a subconscious mission to show my ex what he was doing to me. I remember thinking that maybe if he understood how much I loved him, he'd realize he needed to come back. As sick as that sounds, I thought being emaciated would prove my love for him--"see how sick I am over our divorce--I must REALLY care." The only reaction I got was when he came to pick up the kids one day and said "you look like shit." No, "I'm sorry I'm causing you such pain." No, "wow you must really love me if you can't eat anymore." Not even a, "Danielle you really need to take care of yourself." It was more like "you look like shit"(thinking--good thing I left her). It was then and there that I realized my thinking was off. Shortly thereafter my appetite came back January when I saw some pictures of myself that made me scared--I looked like one of those anorexic girls you see on a Dateline Special on eating disorders. I was back up to my normal 115lbs by April or May but my ex never noticed!

The miracle--slow and steady

The miracle of God's presence in my divorce was there from the beginning but that did not change my circumstances. My husband moved out one week after my oldest son's first birthday and one month before the little guy turned two. It took all I had to get through the day without breaking down. Every night after I put the little ones to sleep I would drink wine, smoke (both habits which by the grace of God are gone today!) and talk (really cry) to my sister. The first weekend my husband had the boys after he moved out, I went on a retreat. The retreat house had a big wrap around porch with rocking chairs everywhere. On Saturday night after a powerful session on the Holy Spirit, I went outside on the porch, sat in one of the white rocking chairs and held my hands up to God and said "Father how am I going to get through this?" In my mind God took my hands and told me to hold on tight and we would get through this together. And so we have...........