sometimes it is hard..............

My kids have been on a trip with their father for 19 days! Thank God they come home tomorrow. This is the longest I have been away from them since the day they were born. The first time I had to leave them with my ex after the separation was horrible (it was only for 24 hours!). My older son was 4 and the younger one was almost 2. It felt like part of me was missing, I think I cried for 24 hours straight. Over the years it has gotten better and I have learned to appreciate my time alone. The difference between intact families and divorced families is that when you have the kids it is 100% your responsibility--no tag teaming, no additional hands, ears or feet to help out and it can be exhausting. So, I have learned to make the most out of my time alone. I can't shop with two boys in tow so, that is a dad time activity for me. I can't take a relaxing bubble bath with a kid knocking on the door so, that is a dad time activity for me. I can go to a movie, meet friends for coffee or dinner. Sometimes I even go on a date or a trip. In fact, I have taken advantage of this long trip by traveling myself and that was fantastic (of course I traveled with an incredible man who treated me like a queen!). But now that I am home and it is quiet, I feel sad. Sad that my kids went to Europe and I can't share those memories with them. I'm happy they were given the opportunity to go. I happy that their dad loves them and spent three weeks alone with them. It is a purely selfish emotion I am having right now, one of those moments when you say to yourself--it wasn't supposed to go this way. I believe no matter how evolved we become in this divorce process there will be times when we sit back an morn the loss of the memories we never got to have and today, is one of those days for me.