The First Year

When most people go through divorce they either gain 40 lbs or get really skinny. I can almost predict when a friend of mine is going to announce her up coming divorce by the size of her waist. Any huge weight fluctuation in a 30+ year old woman not caused by pregnancy or illness is due to divorce. From late October when my ex moved out, to Christmas I dropped 20lbs which put me at 95lbs. My clothes hung on me, I had no energy and I looked like crap. I believe I was on a subconscious mission to show my ex what he was doing to me. I remember thinking that maybe if he understood how much I loved him, he'd realize he needed to come back. As sick as that sounds, I thought being emaciated would prove my love for him--"see how sick I am over our divorce--I must REALLY care." The only reaction I got was when he came to pick up the kids one day and said "you look like shit." No, "I'm sorry I'm causing you such pain." No, "wow you must really love me if you can't eat anymore." Not even a, "Danielle you really need to take care of yourself." It was more like "you look like shit"(thinking--good thing I left her). It was then and there that I realized my thinking was off. Shortly thereafter my appetite came back January when I saw some pictures of myself that made me scared--I looked like one of those anorexic girls you see on a Dateline Special on eating disorders. I was back up to my normal 115lbs by April or May but my ex never noticed!