The things we do for love

"Like walking in the rain and the snow when there's nobody home, when you feel like a part of you is dying...the things we do for love.' That song keeps sounding in my ear each day as I leave the office of a company owned by my ex husband. The office where I now work. Yes, I'm working for my ex. Why would any well educated, sane woman do this? Well, other then questioning my sanity, the only other answer is love. No, not love of the ex, love of my children.

As my year of living back on the ex's dole was drawing near and I was looking for a job that would support me and leave me time to be a mom, my ex suggested that I work as an outside sales rep for his company. I shrugged it off at first (actually I thought, "when hell freezes over") but, as the prospect of finding the ideal job with the ideal pay and hours grew dim, I began to look into his offer more seriously. Twenty hours a week, guaranteed salary plus commission, outside sales...not so bad if Darth Vader didn't own the company. Could this work? The dollars and hours made sense even if the rest of it didn't so I decided to give it a try. Ironically, I am reading a book entitled Love as a way of life and it talks about the 7 essential qualities of of love; Kindness, Patience, Forgiveness, Courtesy, Humility, Generosity and Honesty. I'm guessing that Humility one is going to come in handy! On page 120 of the book it defines humility, "If you want to show true love to someone, sacrifice something of value for the sake of the relationship." Okay sons, I'm sacrificing all pride to be a mom who can pick you up from school and be there for you in the evenings. (I hope one day they appreciate this!).

This journey is going to be difficult but I am trying to look at the positives it brings instead of the negatives. On a basic level it gives me money and time, both of which I need. Hopefully, it will bring much more, experience in sales, confidence, a new way to relate with the ex,
new contacts and friendships. I like learning new things so... pray for me. Pray that I will be appreciative of what I do have, that I will be patient with the ex and with my self (the book defines patience as "allowing someone to be imperfect") and that kindness (defined in the book as "the joy of meeting someone else's needs before your own simply for the sake of the relationship") becomes my new best friend.

How often do we think about the kids?

I'm a little melancholy today; my kids are both away at camp and I miss them a lot. My older son has been gone for over two weeks with a week left to go. His little brother has been gone since Saturday and will be home in 5 days. My ex took them on a vacation in June for 3 weeks so it has been a lonely summer for me.
Usually my life with the kids is so busy I don't stop to think how wonderful they truly are. My children have been through a lot. Their dad and I divorce when they were so young (2&4). They never really knew what it was like to have a 2 parent household. They liked it when their dad remarried, my younger one would say it was nice to have a mommy and a daddy in the house (that use to make me sad). But, the same year my ex remarried, my dad died, my mom had a stroke and Katrina hit. 2005 left my kids and me a little shaken. But, like troopers they went on seeming no worse for the wear. They didn't like moving to Atlanta and leaving their friends but have adjusted to that quite nicely too. Their dad's divorce on top of the move was hard on them. But, again, they get up, smile make friends, get good grades, respect and love their family and friends. I am truly blessed to have such incredible kids. I hope I remember that next week when the chaos begins again!

Picking up the pieces

When my ex told me he and the 2nd Mrs were getting a divorce I said don't tell anything to the kids until you are sure. A week later he said he was sure. My kids loved Heidi (they thought she had went to Charlotte to visit her sick grandmother) and I knew this would hurt them to know she wasn't coming back. I asked to be there when he told them and he agreed. My ex wanted to justify his decision by saying bad things about the 2nd Mrs that I didn't think children needed to hear. I begged him to keep it light like he wanted to do when we divorced. Back then it was "mommy and daddy just can't get along" now it was "she did this and she did that," He knew that the kids would be mad at him for divorcing Heidi so he wanted to make her look as bad as possible--he was trying to gain their sympathy. His plan didn't work. First, the kids were devastated. The look on their faces broke my heart. The questions they had for their dad made me proud. "Aren't you suppose to love her no matter what" my 8 year old asked. "Dad what about forgiveness?" the 10 year old interjected. They begged him to go back to her. They begged me to"talk to him" (since when did I have any influence over him?) and, as strange as this sounds, I wish I could have convinced him to go back to her. The pain of my divorce was enough, living through this again with my kids was unbearable.

My headstronge ex left that night determined to get the 2nd Mrs. "as far away from him and the kids as possible" and left me with 2 very sad boys.
We talked about their "stepmom" a lot and we called her and let them say their goodbyes (broke my heart). The move to Atlanta made it easier for awhile but, when fall came, talk of Heidi surfaced again. She sent presents and pictures and I pictures too. She doesn't call anymore, I guess she has meet someone new. The boys don't ask about her either but, I wonder how (or if) it will affect them down the line. I pray they will remember that, for a time, someone loved them.

Working mom versus stay at home mom

Is there a winner in this battle? My generation (40 somethings today) is the first to legitimately have this choice. Before us, women worked but the glass ceiling kept us, for the most part, in traditional female careers. But us, the women who grew up with Sandra Day O'Connor as Supreme Court Justice, Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister and Sally Ride as an Astronaut, believed we could and would do anything a man could do. I have friends who are accomplished in many traditional males careers and I am proud of them. Others, including myself, choose to leave the work world and be stay- at-home moms. Both are right choices and both come with there pluses and minuses. But, as I attempt to re enter the work force, I am coming to believe that the third option might be better.

For all you 20 somethings contemplating careers, think about the flexibility the career offers. For example, I have a doctor friend who works 3 mornings a week from 5am til noon and makes great money. This is the perfect compromise for a mom. She has a lot of time to spend with her children but she also has a career and supports herself quite nicely. I know other women who, either out of financial necessity or simply a desire to stay connected to their career, have found innovative ways to continue working at least part time. Some careers are more conducive to this than others. Please consider this when choosing a career path,you may never know when that choice will become important.

The fear of job hunting at 44

So, I'm 44 and back in the job hunt. Problem is I feel that all my peers have already hunted, cooked their kill and ate it while I'm still loading my gun! In order to do the one thing I am professionally trained to do I must take another bar exam! The funny thing is I did not really like practicing law when I did it the first time. Surely there must be some other career that could use my analytical skills, public speaking ability and charming personality! I am competent on the computer but fall behind the 20 somethings in technological skills. I don't have years of formal sales experience but I have argued(and won) cases in court, convinced 17 year old boys that American Government was exciting (during my teaching days at an all boy Catholic high school) and persuaded my own sons to do their homework, go outside and play and eat their vegetables for almost 12 years--THOSE MUST COUNT FOR SOMETHING!!!!! Plus, I have negotiated more informal "sales" with my ex over the past 8 years than most salesman do in a life time. I have had to "sell" him on everything I've wanted to do AND make him think it was his idea. I could teach a seminar on that concept alone. You see I have a lot of skills but on paper I really don't fit any mold. I'm a bit perplexed on how to get my foot in the door. I feel confident that once they see me, I can sell myself. Doing it through a resume like mine is the hard part. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to grow up

I was a child of the 70s; the era of burning bras, Equal Rights Amendment and the Enjolie woman (remember her? She could "bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let him forget he's a man"). I vowed I would never depend on a man to support me. I wrote a paper in college entitled "Roles were meant to be broken" which hypothesized that if men and women shared equally in the child raising, children would suffer less trauma in childhood (no need to break away from the more dominate parent to identify with the same sex parent) resulting in a more harmonious relationship between men and women as they become adults. I went to law school thinking I would be a big powerful attorney, marry another big powerful attorney and raise our kids together (with the help of a nanny of course!). Then something happened to me after law school and a couple of years of practice. All of a sudden I wanted to be June Cleaver (or to use a 70s mom--Carol Brady!) I don't know whether it was disgust with the corporate world, hormones, or my upbringing, all I know is when my first son arrived, I could not leave him. At 31 years old my life was turned upside down by 6 lbs of flesh with big brown eyes!

Enter Trevor and exit Danielle's plan for life. I must say that everyone (including me) was surprised at how I took to motherhood. I loved being a mom and I was thrill 25 months later when Ross was born. Life as a mother of two very bright young boys was exciting in ways I never thought imaginable. My divorce when Ross was 2 did put a damper on things, but luckily I had child support and alimony that allowed me to stay home until Ross went to pre-K. Even when I did have to go back to work, I was fortunate that my ex paid 100% of the boys expenses so I was able to take a job teaching. I taught for 5 years and it was perfect while the boys still needed a lot of my attention. When we moved to Atlanta, I made a deal with the ex to resume alimony for a year so I could get everyone adjusted. Well, the year is up and it is time for Danielle to go back into the jungle and she is scared! Tomorrow I will write about those fears.

Weddings (not mine)

I went to a wedding this weekend. A friend of mine (2nd wedding for her) married a man 50+ who has never been married! They are both very nice people and I wish them well. The wedding was a lots of fun and I met some lovely people, ate some great food and dance to a great Latin band (groom is 2nd generation Cuban). So, why am I feeling so irritable today? I'm not sure if the whole idea of people pledging to love each other "as long as we both shall live" sets off a train load of funky emotions in me, or I'm just not feeling right about where I am today.

As far as the "vows" thing goes, I can't help but hear it and wonder do they REALLY understand what that means? I know that I didn't have a clue in my 20s that I wasn't going to feel romantically in love with my spouse when I was 40 or for that matter 70! My parents made it look easy and my mother never sat me down and explained that some days you wake up and choose to love your spouse because you lost "that loving feeling." I know my ex and I'm sure many other exes out there did not know that either. Whenever I date a guy now and he says his ex wife and he " just fell out of love" I say "goodbye." People who say that still don't get it. EVERY COUPLE I know has fallen out of love at some point in their marriage. The "work" in a marriage the old timers (those couples you see interviewed on their 60th wedding anniversary) talk about is the falling BACK in love! I myself have never had the opportunity to fall back in love. But, I hope that one day I will marry again and when I promise to love "all the days of my life" I will understand what I am pledging to do and I will honor that vow. I will also make sure that my next husband understands that love is not a feeling all the time but it is ALWAYS a choice. I pray that my newly married friends know this too.

As for my not feeling right, I believe that has to do with being a 44 year old single mom who put some personal ambitions on the side to raise kids. At the wedding there were many 40 something professionals and I felt out of the loop. I used to be one of those and my ego felt less than because others have gone on to rise in their profession while I was at gym rompers and soccer practice. I made a choice (I am happy with my choice to quit practicing law to raise my kids) but for a moment everything I am not flashed before my eyes and I mourned it. What I have to do now is remember what I am. AS my father always said......"should haves, would haves, could haves don't count" I have much to be thankful for so I dwell on my blessings and live in the present--for that is all any of us truly have.

What happened to the 2nd Mrs. ?

I've been writing about the 2nd Mrs. and how I came to love her. But the sad part is that last summer, she and my ex separated and in April of this year they were divorced. I can't begin to tell you the emotions I went through over their divorce. To begin with we were in the middle of a move from New Orleans (where my ex and I basically had lived all our lives) to Atlanta in part because Heidi (ex#2) hated New Orleans (she was from Charlotte). After Katrina I wanted to move out of New Orleans and when Heidi found out, she put the full court press on Trey to move. So, we spent all of the 06/07 school year planning to move separately- together to Atlanta.

When school let out in May 07, I took the boys on a cruise to Alaska for a week and when I got back I noticed Heidi wasn't around. I asked the ex where was Heidi and he gave me some excuse about her grandmother being sick so she went to Charlotte. I didn't think anything was up until she called and asked how the boys liked Alaska. It seemed as though she hadn't spoken to my ex/ her husband for a while. The next time my ex dropped by I asked what was up with him and Heidi and, after a slight hesitation he said "we're separated." I had no clue (I knew it would end one day but I though it would last more than 2 years!). I thought it was odd when he told her not to look for houses in Atlanta until the boys and I were settled. But, I thought he just wanted to live in his apartment for a few months and figure out what part of Atlanta was best for them to buy. I asked him why? He gave several excuses but it boiled down to the same argument they had always had--children. He didn't want any and she did. (NOTE--girls beware when you're with an older man with kids from a previous marriage--if he says he doesn't want anymore and you do or you think you might later--don't negotiate, RUN FAST!) I tried to help them. While I was packing my house last June I spent many hours on the phone with her and him. Keeping myself out of it proved too be hard and I finally told them both to keep me out of it. Shortly thereafter, things got ugly between them and the mud started to fly.
They stopped talking and left it to the lawyers and I was left to pick up the pieces of my kids' lives again. More tomorrow....................

The 2nd Mrs. and Me

I was determined to have Heidi like me. I wanted to have a good relationship with her for my kids' sake. By the time I met her I had owned my part in the demise of my marriage (ladies and gentlemen---- the is a MUST! I don't care how wrong your spouse was, you had a part in your marriage ending--maybe it was as simple as a poor choice of a spouse in the first place. But, guess what? You choose the SOB!!!!!!!!!! Own it!). I knew that it was partly my fault that my kids now had "mommy's house' and "daddy's house" and I wanted to make it as easy for them to transition between the two as possible. That meant that I had to play nice with the girlfriend. At first I was "acting as if" I liked her but,within a short period of time, I grew to really like her.

First, she was great with my sons--better than their father! When they left with him I worried if he would give them attention but I knew Heidi would play with them (I'm sure at first she was good to my kids to win my ex over but I know she genuinely grew to love them). Funny thing is they grew to love her too and I DIDN'T MIND! I thought that would bother me but, I believe that God whispered in my heart that their was plenty enough love to go around and he was right (go figure!). It was amazing to me the way God freed me of my ego in this matter. I never felt threaten by their love for her. In fact, I was comforted by the extra love and attention my children received. When my father died and I did not have it in me to take care of the children, Heidi stepped up to the plate and took over for me. If I had to work and one of the kids became ill, I could rely on her to help me out. She became the husband I never had (lol).

Second, she was a lot like me--just 9 years younger. I saw myself in her which made me laugh at my ex. NOTE-- if you do not do the internal work after your separation/divorce you will repeat the same mistakes--not that I think Heidi or I were mistakes, I believe it was his expectations of us which were mistakes. In some ways she was the younger sister I never had (I'm the youngest of 6 kids -3 sisters 2 brothers).

Finally, she taught me how to manage my ex. I watched the way she dealt with him and took notes! She taught me to stand up to him and for that I will be eternally grateful. There was a time when I prayed for her infertility (early on in their relationship and I have repented for that prayer) Now I pray that she meets a really great guy and has a couple of kids (I think boys would be best for her). She was a great step mom and my boys and I miss her. We wish you well Heidi!!!!!

The 2nd Mrs.

Yesterday I wrote about how I was able to be Nice to and actually like the 2nd Mrs. Luckily, I did not have to meet her face to face for a good while after my husband left. If he would have paraded her in front of my children during those first 6 months, I probably would have killed them both and we never would have become friends (lesson--if you have a little something-something on the side when you separate or shortly thereafter, keep it private--not only is it going to ruin any chance of your children or your ex ever having a good relationship w/ the new "friend" but it is too painful for your ex and children to see right away.). Thankfully, my ex had the good sense to keep her on the DL. The kids never associated her with our divorce so they were able to love her for who she was to them and not what she did to their family. I took the high road (thanks to God) and realized it wasn't about her. If it wasn't her, it would have been somebody else, it was about my marriage and how it was broken before she came along. Thus, I was able to separate her from my divorce.

To be totally honest, when I first found out about her I was worried. I asked my therapist "what if he gets it right with her?" My therapist said "if nothing changes, nothing changes and since he hasn't changed......." Somehow this statement freed me, my therapist was right my ex only saw my part in the problems of our marriage so he thought-- get rid of her and problems go away. I actually began to sympathize with her because in my heart I knew the same thing would happen to her that happen to me. My fear was that they would have kids and then life would really get complicated when they divorced! I was right (not that I take great pride in that, I was sad when my ex told me he and Heidi were getting a divorce) and fortunately they did not have any kids. The sad part is that she had bonded to my kids and the ex wanted her to cease all contact with our children--my heart actually ached for her. Also, now Heidi is 35 single and wanting to be a mother while her biological clock is ticking away waiting for Mr. Right to come along (lesson--20somethings be aware of the married man who says "we just fell out of love"--if he can fall out of love with the mother of his children, he can easily fall out of love with you too!!! Then you too are 30 something back in the dating pool that is left with slim pickings)

The 2nd Mrs.

Her name was Heidi and she was a blonde (of course) nurse(what else!) nine years my junior (what a surprise!!!). I did not meet her for almost a year and a half after my husband left me (although I new about her from almost the beginning). I wanted to hate her but between the time I learned of her and the time I actually met her, God had performed some sort of heart surgery on me and I actually wound up liking her and we became good friends and better co parents than my ex and I.

How did I become friends with the other woman? I'll tell you what God showed me. First, it wasn't personal-- she did not know me (yes, what she did was wrong on moral grounds but it was not against me personally). My ex had the "contract" with me, it was him who breached the contract not her. Second, you reap what you sow in life. What ever consequences wife #2 was going to have to suffer, that was between her and God, not me. This was great because I could trust God to do the judging and I was free to love. Third, "do not return evil with evil but rather return evil with good--it will be like pouring burning coals on their head." This scripture helped me when I wanted vengeance and burning coals on the head sounded good to me! Later I learned that returning evil with good is so disarming the other person usually can't help but be nice. Fourth, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer! If she was going to be around my children, I wanted to keep a close eye on her and even help her to be a better step mom if asked (and she did!). Finally, I NEVER wanted to give her a reason to speak ill of me to my children (and she never did).
More on Mrs. #2 tomorrow.

My boys return from trip with dad

My boys returned from a 3 week trip with their dad last on June 20th. I thought I'd either be happy because they had a miserable time or sad because they had a great time and I wasn't part of it. Neither scenario came to fruition. I picked them (meaning my ex and my sons) at the airport Friday night and all of them were quiet. None of them wanted to share much about their three weeks in Europe and I wanted to respect their privacy so I didn't probe. I thought that the boys would spill their guts after we dropped off dad but, that was not the case. Over the last week I have heard some stories but, when asked, the boys say they had an "okay' time. I can't get upset with missing "okay" nor can I be happy that it was just "okay" so, I have accepted it. My sons spent three weeks with their father on a trip and it was "okay." And you know what? I'm okay with that. Life doesn't have to be lived in the extremes, sometimes it just is.............

sometimes it is hard..............

My kids have been on a trip with their father for 19 days! Thank God they come home tomorrow. This is the longest I have been away from them since the day they were born. The first time I had to leave them with my ex after the separation was horrible (it was only for 24 hours!). My older son was 4 and the younger one was almost 2. It felt like part of me was missing, I think I cried for 24 hours straight. Over the years it has gotten better and I have learned to appreciate my time alone. The difference between intact families and divorced families is that when you have the kids it is 100% your responsibility--no tag teaming, no additional hands, ears or feet to help out and it can be exhausting. So, I have learned to make the most out of my time alone. I can't shop with two boys in tow so, that is a dad time activity for me. I can't take a relaxing bubble bath with a kid knocking on the door so, that is a dad time activity for me. I can go to a movie, meet friends for coffee or dinner. Sometimes I even go on a date or a trip. In fact, I have taken advantage of this long trip by traveling myself and that was fantastic (of course I traveled with an incredible man who treated me like a queen!). But now that I am home and it is quiet, I feel sad. Sad that my kids went to Europe and I can't share those memories with them. I'm happy they were given the opportunity to go. I happy that their dad loves them and spent three weeks alone with them. It is a purely selfish emotion I am having right now, one of those moments when you say to yourself--it wasn't supposed to go this way. I believe no matter how evolved we become in this divorce process there will be times when we sit back an morn the loss of the memories we never got to have and today, is one of those days for me.

fast forward eight years.......................

The summer of 2000 my husband said he wanted a divorce and I thought my world had ended. Now its the summer of 2008 I just got back from a 2 week trip with a kind, sensitive, emotionally mature and available man who gets me and I'm here to tell you there is definitely life after divorce.

Most people jump into relationships to quickly after divorce. By the grace of God, advice of friends and my pathetic demeanor I was lucky enough to stay out of relationships for a good 4 years. This was such a blessing. At the time I had many pity parties over my aloneness but, once I got comfortable with it, I began to enjoy my freedom and spend my alone time figuring out me. I read self help books, I went to therapy, I prayed, and I spent time with good, caring friends (this list is not in any order of importance). Through my time alone I realized that my ex's departure was really an opportunity to get it right next time! I examined what I liked and what I didn't about my ex and our marriage. What was my part in it and what could I change so that the next time I would have a successful marriage? First, I realized I had a broken picker--I picked the wrong type of guys for me. Next, I expected the relationship to give me everything I needed. Finally, I expected the other person to change if I had a problem. So, I have spent the last couple of years focusing on fixing my picker and fixing me so I attract the type of man that works for me. Healthy people are attracted to healthy people and sick people to sick people. So, my only choice was to get healthy. If you keep picking losers, you might want to do some self examination! (No offense, I was the queen of picking jerks until I changed me. Now jerks don't find me interesting anymore!!!). The healthier I became, the less attracted I was to guys that were shallow, lazy and mean. I learned to spot a "taker" right away and steer clear of his poison. (my dad divided the world into givers and takers and he suggested I find a giver--I use to think that givers were "weak"--boy was I wrong!). Today I am proud to say my picker is healthy and working not only with men but with women friends as well. The man in y life today is a good pick for me. He is the first man in my life that I unconditionally love. I would not change a thing about him. I have know him for a year and have spent a good deal of time with him and on the phone. I can trust him with my most intimate thoughts and feelings and we can share our weaknesses as well as strengths. It is truly a mutually beneficial relationship. I never even dreamed that a relationship could be this real and this honest. What I do know is that both of us first worked on ourselves (he has been divorced 5 years) before we ever met (on a cruise ship in Alaska--go figure!). He doesn't need me to complete him and I don't need him. We just love sharing what we have with each other---it makes it that much better.

The first year goes on...............

Last time I wrote about being kept in a holding pattern by my ex. Today I would like to tell you what allowing him to have all the power did to me. Although I don't regret the past because I did what I believed was right at the time, in hindsight, allowing my ex to call all the shots kept me from healing and growing. I kept the same "dance" going with him--he had the power to come and go in my life as HE chose and I was a powerless puppy dog who sat and begged at his feet until he threw me some scraps. No wonder I turned him off, it turns me off to think of how weak I was. The moment I said, "NO MORE OF THIS TREATMENT," the healing began. Regaining your power is essential to healing. Of course, the key is that when I finally said "no more," I had reached acceptance that my marriage was over. I had said to myself that-- if this is what I have to endure to keep this person in my life, I don't want to pay that price. In essence, what I said was-- my happiness and mental health is worth more to me than you are. When you get to this point, you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

More of the first year stuff!

For almost an entire year my ex and I were separated (not legally just physically) but he would not file for divorce. At first I took it as a sign that he might come back. Although he hated my very existence when he first moved out, by month 4 of our separation he was calling and seemed very introspective. At one point, he went to Atlantis in the Bahamas and called suggesting that I come meet him (he rescinded the offer the next day). This gave me hope--and a little hope goes a long way during the first year. This hate me/love me routine went on through the summer and included several "dates," one sleepover, a family trip to Florida and even a suggestion by him that I decorate his new condo! I was so confused. I did not know how to interpret these "signs" So, I ascribed the most love to them that I could. WRONG MOVE.
What was happening was that he was using me (duh!). When the blonde would not act the way he wanted he would take me off the bench and let me pitch for awhile. Eventually, he'd put the blonde back in and bench me. This kept happening until one night he had the boys and the air conditioning at his condo went out. He called and ask if they could come sleep at the house. Of course I would not make my sons sleep in the hot condo so I said "sure." Well.....that night we wound up in the same bed and I thought we were getting back together. Our sons even came in bed with us in the morning. I was in 7th heaven. "Yeah," I thought "I get my family back." Not so fast! By 10 a.m. he was crawfishing (a Louisiana term which means to back out--crawfish walk backwards). "Well, Danielle, I'm not ready to commit to anything-- yadda, yadda, yadda." Not ready to commit to anything? Did he not already marry me, have 2 kids with me and have approximately 8 months to "date" other women while I stood by like a fool? That was almost enough to send me over the edge but not quite. What was the proverbial straw happened about one month later when he suggested that "we" decorate his brand new condo together. "It would be something fun we could do together" he suggested. "Fun?" What part of decorating my husband's bachelor pad in the French Quarter would be fun for me? Yeah, I agreed with you and told him, on no uncertain terms, "hell no!" He said I was too serious and I told him it was time to fish or cut bait ( I was scared of the answer but I could only take so much and I had reached my saturation point) Cut bait he did. Within a week of 9/11, I was finally served with my divorce papers.

The first year continued

The day I found out about the other woman................... I always wondered if some other woman was involved in my ex's desire to bolt, but I had no concrete proof. Then, one day a friend called to see how I was doing and she was acting weird. I said "what is the matter?" She said that someone we both knew had seen my ex with a blonde at the casino acting very "friendly." I went to pieces. If he was going through a mid-life crisis, I thought maybe he'd get over it and come back. But, if another woman was involved (especially a younger one) the chances of him coming back were zero.

I know.........why did I want him back if was seeing someone else or treating unkind? Today, eight years later, I see the error in my thinking. But this was only about 2 months after we had seperated and I had not emotionally broken the marriage bond. I was still technically married and I believed in marriage the two become one and that meant half of me was now gone. The divorce literally felt like someone was taking my heart and ripping it in two. I wanted to get rid of the pain and, at that time, I believed the only way the pain would end is if he would come back. I was wrong, but it took me several years to understand and actually feel whole all by myself.

When I got off the phone with my friend, I packed the kids up and went straight to my mothers. If I was going to have a nervous breakdown, somebody needed to watch the kids. When I got there I asked my dad to play with the kids and I took my mother back to her bedroom and I began sobbing uncontrollably. I told her what my friend had said. I was so skinny that I was cold all the time and I began shivering. My mom put a blanket around me and hugged me for awhile. Then my mother did the most incredible thing I have ever seen my mother do--she slapped me! She was worried that I was losing it so, she wacked me across the face and said "I know he hurt you Danielle but you have two little boys out there who need their mother so get it together!" WOW, that got my attention!! My mother never slapped me my entire life and here she was slapping me at 36. She was, as usual, right (if I had listen to my mother more oh what pain I would have avoided). I licked my wounds for a little while longer, washed my face and went to play with my children. Years later (story for another blog) that blonde and I became good friends and when she became ex #2, we cried together. Life is funny---if you are open to it. God has a great sense of humor, look for it!

the first year continued

Yesterday I wrote about how I used my post separation weight lost to punish my ex (joke was on me!). Today I thought I would talk about why people gain weight while going through a divorce. I've always viewed gaining weight as a way to put up a physical barrier between me and the rest of the world. Sure, people eat when they are under stress and they use food to numb themselves --I've done both. However, just as I was trying to send a message to my ex (and the rest of the world) by not eating, I believe packing on the lbs post separation is another way to send a message without using words. Perhaps the message is-- If I get fat other people will not ask me out so I won't have to worry about getting hurt again. Or maybe it is---see I don't care anymore what people think. I believe it can also be the same message as the one I was trying to convey through starving myself--look how miserable I am, you really hurt me! Whatever the message we are trying to say through our body, we need to realize the only person we are hurting is ourselves and perhaps our children who need us so desperately in times of family turmoil. I thank God my children were too young to notice that mommy looked sick (although my 4 year old would ask me not to smoke!). Our children will feed off of our emotions during divorce (I know it is added pressure but think of it as a blessing. If you did not have children you might never get out of the bed again but, you have to for them and that is the starting point to healing). So, look in the mirror today and say to yourself; "_____________ (name of ex) has taken enough from me, I am going to claim my health back today. I will eat right, I will take a walk, I will breath and most importantly I will treat myself with kindness---just for today...................

The First Year

When most people go through divorce they either gain 40 lbs or get really skinny. I can almost predict when a friend of mine is going to announce her up coming divorce by the size of her waist. Any huge weight fluctuation in a 30+ year old woman not caused by pregnancy or illness is due to divorce. From late October when my ex moved out, to Christmas I dropped 20lbs which put me at 95lbs. My clothes hung on me, I had no energy and I looked like crap. I believe I was on a subconscious mission to show my ex what he was doing to me. I remember thinking that maybe if he understood how much I loved him, he'd realize he needed to come back. As sick as that sounds, I thought being emaciated would prove my love for him--"see how sick I am over our divorce--I must REALLY care." The only reaction I got was when he came to pick up the kids one day and said "you look like shit." No, "I'm sorry I'm causing you such pain." No, "wow you must really love me if you can't eat anymore." Not even a, "Danielle you really need to take care of yourself." It was more like "you look like shit"(thinking--good thing I left her). It was then and there that I realized my thinking was off. Shortly thereafter my appetite came back January when I saw some pictures of myself that made me scared--I looked like one of those anorexic girls you see on a Dateline Special on eating disorders. I was back up to my normal 115lbs by April or May but my ex never noticed!

The miracle--slow and steady

The miracle of God's presence in my divorce was there from the beginning but that did not change my circumstances. My husband moved out one week after my oldest son's first birthday and one month before the little guy turned two. It took all I had to get through the day without breaking down. Every night after I put the little ones to sleep I would drink wine, smoke (both habits which by the grace of God are gone today!) and talk (really cry) to my sister. The first weekend my husband had the boys after he moved out, I went on a retreat. The retreat house had a big wrap around porch with rocking chairs everywhere. On Saturday night after a powerful session on the Holy Spirit, I went outside on the porch, sat in one of the white rocking chairs and held my hands up to God and said "Father how am I going to get through this?" In my mind God took my hands and told me to hold on tight and we would get through this together. And so we have...........

God's plan in my divorce

Here I sit 8 years later with people constantly asking me how I do it…How do you talk to him all the time? How do you let him sit down to dinner with you? How do you treat him nicely? How do forgive him? How do you move to Atlanta with him? How do you have kids that are so well adjusted? How????????????? The answer is obviously God but just saying that really isn’t going to help anybody. The day my husband said he wanted a divorce God did not automatically take away the pain, in fact the day those dreadful words were actually spoken God wasn’t even part of my life. Yeah, I knew there was a God (12 years of Catholic school taught me something) but that was not where I went for answers, comfort, wisdom, strength or, for that matter, anything. But that day (May 27, 2000) I came to the end of myself.
Before the day my husband said he wanted a divorce, I looked to me to find the answers, fix my problems and go my merry way. But something happened to me that day….I was all out of answers, I had found myself in a place of total emptiness. Oh, sure I could drink, smoke, cry my eyes out and whine to my friends -- and I did quite often--but there was no relief in sight for the pain and anguish that follow those fateful words “I want a divorce.”
How did God come into the picture? In a crazy, unforeseen only God can do it sort of way…. That night after my husband said he wanted a divorce I was lying in bed watching him sleep crying my eyes out when I decided to go get a pack of cigarettes (as if that would solve anything?). I got dress and went to the nearest convenience store for a diet coke and a pack of cigarettes. With my problem solvers in hand, I drove to the levee lit a cigarette and called my sister on her cell phone ( it was around 2am--thanks Donna!). Why I called Donna, I’m not quite sure but something in me told me to call her. I remember my words--“Donna, Trey wants a ddddiivvvoorrrce!” And you know what my sister said to me? “Are you ready?” For some crazy reason (we had never discusses this before) I knew what she was talking about and I said “yes” and right there on the Lake Ponchartrain levee at 2am on May 27, 2000 I let God into my life as more than the creator of the universe but as my Father in heaven who loves me and has a plan for me. That night God began a work in me that he is being faithful to complete.
No, I did not wake up the next morning in spiritual bliss. In fact, may 28th was harder than May 27th because the reality of the situation hit me when I was awaken by the sound of my 1 ½ year old crying and the thought of him and his 3 year old brother coming from a broken home was more than I could stand. As I sit here and write about that day the pain of that reality still brings a tear to my eye. No mother or father wants that for their child. "How could he do this????” was all that kept going through my mind. I picked up the Bible my sister had given my youngest at his baptism and begin to read. For the first time in my life the words had meaning and I found a strange familiar comfort--it was a beginning--- but not a miracle cure for my pain.

In the beginning continued

Last night I went out with a recently separate friend. Although she had been married 23 years and I was only married 5, there were several similarities that I believe happen in most divorces. First, she knew the marriage was in trouble but was not willing to let go. Her husband, on the other hand, picked her up from the airport after a business trip and said "I've moved out, I want a divorce and here how it is going to go..." Usually one party is clueless that the marriage is at that point. I knew my ex and I were having issues, but I assumed all couples have issues and we'd ride it out. Yet, after two counseling sessions and what I thought was minor problems, my ex woke up one morning turned to me and said, "I want a divorce." Why is it that usually one party (male or female I'm not a man basher!) is in the dark about how the other person feels. Is it that the party wanting out is good at hiding it or is it that the person wanting to stay married ignores all the warning signs? I know in my case that I didn't want to see it. We were only married four years and had two small children when things turned south. I knew he didn't treat me the way I thought a man in love would treat his wife and the mother of his two beautiful boys but to really look at the fact that the man I was dependent on emotionally and financially was not in love with me was more than I could handle at the time. I kept my blinders on and bought a copy of the Karma Sutra thinking that would solve our issues. It did make our sex life more interesting but apparently that was not enough.

The other issue that is common in divorces is the demonizing of the spouse by the party wanting out. What do I mean by demonizing? I mean that the party wanting out finds fault with EVERYTHING the other spouse does. In my particular case I was either too fat or too skinny (on any given day it could be either and my weight rarely fluctuated), I was "too much of a mother and not enough of a wife," the house was either dirty or I spent too much time cleaning, I was just like my mother or I would hear "I bet your mother would be grateful to have a housekeeper" and the list goes on and on. Demonetization is so destructive. By the time my ex actually left I was a shell of the woman I was the day I married him (of course he would now complain that I was weak and emotional). I believe that the party wanting to leave does this to justify their actions "see, how can I stay with him he is so _____" I wish my ex would have just said the truth--I am not enjoying this marriage and I want out--instead of tearing me down for over a year. It would have been a lot easier to recover from that than having to rebuild my self esteem and emotional strength.

In the beginning

As I look back now the signs were all there.....he spent less and less time at home, everything I did was wrong (that is call demonizing the victim--more on that at a later date), he started to care about working out and his clothing "style" and the dreaded "let's go see a therapist --not that our marriage is in trouble but so we can communicate better" (read--"I want to be able to say we tried everything, we even saw a therapist!"). It is not that marriage therapy is a bad thing, it can be helpful if two (very important number) people both want to save the marriage. But it has been my experience that usually the one who wants out is just looking at the therapy as something he/she can check off the list of "I've tried everything." If your spouse wants to go to therapy, by all means go, but realize he/she might not really want any help to stay in but just an excuse to get out. Use the therapy to help you. You should listen attentively to what your spouse is saying and have the guts to call them on their inaccuracies. At the time of my divorce I was so weak that I believed everything he said--even if I knew in my heart it wasn't true. For example: my spouse told the therapist I was "too much of a mother and not enough of a wife." I believed this even though I knew we went out more as a couple than any of our friends, our sex life was better now than before kids and it was hard to be a wife when your husband was out at bars with other people! I never called him on his perceived truth and that was a mistake. Had I been able to verbalize my truth, the therapist might have had something to work with and, at the very least, I would have left the marriage empowered with truth instead of beaten down by lies.

light at the end of the Tunnel

This blog is for all of the women and men out there who are going through a divorce and feel that they are in a dark tunnel and can't find any light. My desire is to instill hope, courage and practical advice and one day soon-- you will see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.